I got Soul, but I'm not a Soldier.

Six months ago I wasn't even sure what it meant to have anxiety. I knew plenty of people that suffered from it, but I was clueless as to what it really meant. I honestly was convinced that most people were just exaggerating their behavior.

Today, I fully understand & feel what it's like to though. I mean, there have always been things that make me nervous in life.. Sit ups in gym, jean shopping, science tests, cutting my hair, etc. But these things never truly lasted long & didn't cause noticeable changes. 

As my life began a new pattern, so did my worries. They are now heightened at any & everything. And it's not so much as a worry for me, just the most uneasy feeling that something is not how it should be & I am not going to be okay.

It started very heavily when I started working at YNot. I get this physically crippling nervousness two hours before every shift. I have to lay in bed and let it take over me until I have to get ready. My hands shake, my breaths are uneven, my stomach churns like no other.. All for no reason at all. Work is decent, not great but not terrible. It flares from no where. 

And now it wrecks me at other times on random occasion. Such as today. Sitting in my favorite class, AP Language, reading a well-written satire about learning French, totally content.. And I started to freak out. I just couldn't breathe anymore. Panic attack? Possibly a very slight one. Whatever it was, it happens all the time and it hurts. 

I feel as if I'm going crazy. I've got soul to cope with it, but I'm no soldier. I do not walk this battle with a head held high. My ammunition is not loaded, my weapons do not protect me. I'm fighting this battle with my knees on the floor & hands pressed together. And I am weak. I keep going because I have no other choice, but, trust me, I drag my feet.