He keeps me.

Psalm 42 and 43 repeat this line multiple times in their short chapters: "Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God— soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God."(Psalm 43:5 MSG)

From what I've studied and read, David was a pretty screwed up guy. He didn't have it all together like I would assume. He was pretty much hated by many and extremely prone to bouts of sadness. BUT! He was labeled a man after God's own heart. Even through all of his struggles,  he still chased after the love of God relentlessly. 

I want to be like King David. I want my love and hunger for God to propel me through each difficult moment. My soul may be crying the blues, but I'm fixed on God's goodness. And even though the sadness doesn't magically go away, I know I'll sing praises again. He is my God. He keeps me.

I got Soul, but I'm not a Soldier.

Six months ago I wasn't even sure what it meant to have anxiety. I knew plenty of people that suffered from it, but I was clueless as to what it really meant. I honestly was convinced that most people were just exaggerating their behavior.

Today, I fully understand & feel what it's like to though. I mean, there have always been things that make me nervous in life.. Sit ups in gym, jean shopping, science tests, cutting my hair, etc. But these things never truly lasted long & didn't cause noticeable changes. 

As my life began a new pattern, so did my worries. They are now heightened at any & everything. And it's not so much as a worry for me, just the most uneasy feeling that something is not how it should be & I am not going to be okay.

It started very heavily when I started working at YNot. I get this physically crippling nervousness two hours before every shift. I have to lay in bed and let it take over me until I have to get ready. My hands shake, my breaths are uneven, my stomach churns like no other.. All for no reason at all. Work is decent, not great but not terrible. It flares from no where. 

And now it wrecks me at other times on random occasion. Such as today. Sitting in my favorite class, AP Language, reading a well-written satire about learning French, totally content.. And I started to freak out. I just couldn't breathe anymore. Panic attack? Possibly a very slight one. Whatever it was, it happens all the time and it hurts. 

I feel as if I'm going crazy. I've got soul to cope with it, but I'm no soldier. I do not walk this battle with a head held high. My ammunition is not loaded, my weapons do not protect me. I'm fighting this battle with my knees on the floor & hands pressed together. And I am weak. I keep going because I have no other choice, but, trust me, I drag my feet.

Goodnight, Moon.

It's almost fascinating how one day can hold so much content. I'm honestly exhausted. But, I believe there are always lessons in everyday. Here's a few good ones from just today..

• Simple gestures make me feel loved.

• Amanda Jean (aka the best big sister) is my life-saver on awful days & a life long friend.

• Even the bravest, most put together people are human with struggles of their own. Doesn't make them any less admirable.  

• King David, the author of most of the Psalms, was a pretty sad guy. And he wrote pretty poetry through it all.

• Gossip is too easy to get sucked into & so unbelievably dumb!

• The standard for "How a Guy Should Treat Me" should be extremely high. If he doesn't live up to it, I don't have to settle. 

• Jesus loves me. I learn this lesson all the time. I could study this one forever and still be left in awe.

Lastly, sleeping is glorious. I plan on actually enjoying it tonight.

Goodnight (:

 

Motives.

Unfortunately, I am the person that feels that need to explain myself in everything I do. Especially when I am starting something that I hope will make changes in my life..

Why would I even start a blog?

This question has been bearing down on me the past few weeks. I don't want to start something "just because". I'll give up on it as soon as I started if there's no reason. And one thing I've learned multiple times in my short life is that there will always be reason.

So here are my reasons:

Words comfort me. Putting my thoughts into sentences, organizing the clutter that I hear inside myself.. It's therapy. It gives me peace, and anyone who has been around me within the last month knows that I could use immense amount of this right now.

Without even realizing it, my life got all topsy-turvy all of a sudden. Three AP classes, a part time Hostess job, youth leadership, learning what it's like to fall in love with Christ, maintaining healthy relationships with those that are close to my heart, crippling depression, anxiety that leaves me speechless, and being a typical hormonal teenage girl. It's been a rough couple of months. I often spend too much time trapped inside my own crap. My words have escaped me. They've been stuck somewhere inside me for too long.

Let me make this sound as cliché as I possibly can: I'm on a rescue mission to find them. (Was that metaphoric enough for ya?) I used to write everything down. But, life can suck, and the things I love were pushed to the back burner. I no longer will let that happen. There is something to look forward to in every hectic day, and this will be mine.

My motives are simple: find MY words, and let them comfort me.

Maybe I'll find stability along the way. Maybe I'll find peace in the midst of chaos. Maybe I'll find joy replaced for mourning. Maybe I'll find God through it all.